THIS is Why I Run...

I'm 12 days away from my first ever half-marathon. I'm feeling all sorts of feelings and thinking all sorts of thoughts. If you've followed this blog, you are probably aware that writing is a way that I help sort things out, so I want to share my reflections here.

Using frozen veggies to ice my muscles after a long run

Having never formally trained as a runner or run in a race (other than the YMCA 5k Turkey Chase), I've spent the past several months obsessively researching all sorts of running information. Google has been a godsend for information on training plans, proper nutrition, ways to soothe aching muscles and swollen feet, race-day tips, and maintaining motivation when you feel like you just can't go another mile. 13.1 miles is a LONG WAY, and I want to make sure that I'm totally prepared both physically and mentally.

My training schedule (complete with motivators),
which can sometimes get in the way

Many running bloggers and experts talk about hitting a wall at some point during your training: You reach a point that you are tired of restructuring your evening/weekend plans to fit increasingly long and strenuous runs into your schedule; You experience times that you are certain that you cannot add an extra mile to your workout or even find the energy to lace up your shoes; You have days or weeks that you wonder what they hell you signed yourself up for and doubt that you will be able to cross the finish line on race day. I hit my wall about three weeks back, but it wasn't actually too hard to barrel through. In truth, running has become my outlet when I encounter other types of personal challenges, so it's been easy and fulfilling to push through the mental training blocks.

That being said, there is a second type of wall that runners talk about: the wall you hit during a race or long run. Those walls I hit much more frequently and are harder to push through. Unlike the mental blocks that I briefly encounter when I'm sitting at home, not wanting to go out for a 7 mile workout, the "wall" that I hit when I'm 9 miles into a 12 mile run is made much more difficult by the fact that I'm tired, thirsty, sore, and warn down. It's harder to be rational mentally when my physical body is being worked so hard.

After an 8-mile run to Chiswick
(in Marianne's kitchen)

The Internet has offered a trove of suggestions on ways to barrel through mental blocks: construct pump-up music playlists, maintain a consistent pre- and post-run routine, develop mantras, among other things. I've found consistency and music to be massively important, though I could have predicted that ahead of time. I wasn't aware just how much mantras could help me to push through those painful miles. My favourites are:

• Run hard. Be strong. Don't quit. 
• I breathe in strength and breathe out weakness. 
• I kill hills. I kill hills. I kill hills.
• I don’t stop when I’m tired. I stop when I’m done.
• This is my mile.
• My body is stronger than my mind.
• I will go as long as I can, and then take another step.
• I was strong enough to get this far. I am strong enough to keep going.
• I can do anything for 20 more minutes.
• Find the Reason. Find the Courage. Find the Strength

One thing that bloggers and experts consistently stress is the importance of reminding yourself WHY you are running (hinted at in that last mantra). They say that having a very concrete and well-rehearsed answer to this question will help cross the finish line on race day. I've been saving that formal analysis for now--under two weeks out from race day-- and so I present to you...
This is why I run:

I run because it helps me to feel connected to my body in a powerful way: I can see the link between my rest and nutrition and performance. Within the first 5 minutes of a run, I can tell whether I've hydrated enough, slept enough, or eaten enough (and there is no worse feeling that mustering through a long-run when I'm hungry/thirsty/tired). Running is a reminder that I need to treat my body with love and care in order for it to take me the places I want to go.

I run because it allows me to see new places and connect with my surroundings. I know London's busy streets, many parks, distinct neighbourhoods, and spectacular sites because I've run them. I can find my way without a map or GPS because I've navigated these routes hundreds of times on foot. It makes the city feel like home. Even more important, I find myself noticing and appreciating my environment in a totally different way when I'm running. 

I run because it helps me to refocus my mental and emotional energy. I feel stress melt away with each step. Feelings of anxiety, sadness, disappointment, and unease propel me forward and allow me to leap over physical hurdles on the road. Running reminds me that I can redirect negative events and feelings to a more productive outlet.

I run because it reminds me of my strength and my ability to push through discomfort and pain. It reminds me that good miles are followed by bad miles, which are in turn followed by more good miles. Like life, my comfort-level ebbs and flows--there are ups and downs. And I have the strength and stamina to withstand them. I run because for many years I was not strong enough to run like this. Now I can sprit harder, faster, and farther than I ever thought possible. 

I run because there is no feeling quite like the one I experience when I have managed to push myself through feelings of self-doubt and end up flying across Westminster Bridge or through a Royal Park. I run because it has showed me that I am my only limit- that my mind will tell me to quit long before I actually need to stop and that if I push through it, I am amazed at my abilities.

SO now that brings me to why I am running this race:

Truthfully, the past year has been very challenging for me. YES, I am living abroad in an incredible city and have had mind-blowingly amazing experiences! For this (and so much more) I am beyond grateful. However, at the same time, I've been struggling to deal with several significant challenges: the health of people I love dearly, practical stressors, personal betrayals, painful endings, and associated feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Understanding and coping with these feelings has been particularly challenging because they are occurring alongside some of the most incredible experiences I've ever had; there is sometimes a disconnect between my feelings and experiences that can be hard to understand. My highs and lows have been heightened by the significance of this year. All in all, it's been a major gift, but at times has been hard to handle.

All my gear! Running shoes, belt, energy gels, compression
socks, training schedule 

Throughout these ups and downs, running has been a constant, highly-effective way for me to take everything in and work it through. It has helped me to get out, explore the city, and make it my own. As mentioned above, it reminds me of both my mental and physical strength. It has forced me to take time for myself and my health. It has helped me to slow down and appreciate this time as it passes. Running a half-marathon has been on my "bucket list" FOREVER, and so completing a race in the UK seemed like a great way to mark just how important running has been over this year.

I'm anxiously counting down to race day, now slowly tapering the distance and intensity of my workouts. If/when I hit my "wall," I will be able to think back and remind myself of the many reasons that I run. I'll tell myself, "When my legs are tired, I run with my heart."